On Turning 30

It’s been said that writing things ‘on paper’ helps with dealing with emotions, so what I’m about to present to you is basically my excerpt from a “Dear Diary”.

In two days I am turning 30. 30. The Big three-oh. I don’t know how and when that happened but there’s not much I can really do about it.

I’ve never been that person who cared much about their age, the numbers kept piling up and I was just going with the flow. All until this year.

30 has hit me like a ton of bricks and I don’t exactly know what to do about it.

Honestly, I don’t think it’s as much the age as the frame of mind that the looming decade change has put me into. It’s had me dealing with questions I should have been probably been thinking about long before this. I’ll be 30, single, with no kids. What does that say about me? Do I want to get married? Do I want kids? If so, I’m going to have to get my ass in gear soon, these ovaries aren’t going to last forever.

Most of my friends are already married (or getting married soon) which means babies won’t be far around the corner. Which is going to mean big changes to our “circle” and how we operate. Do I want to join the crowd or will I forever be spinster “Aunt Terri” who takes care of the kids when the parents go out for a night, but am never that parent. These are all the things that are currently plaguing my brain.

Where is my life going? What are my accomplishments? Sure, I’m decently well traveled and I have a fun circle of family and friends, but what else? I never did write that novel I’ve had in the back of my head for the better part of five years. I never lived up to that childhood dream of becoming a sports journalist. Where am I going professionally? Is this really what I want to be doing?

Logically, I know I’m still (relatively) young and have some time to figure myself out, but I’m not going to convince myself that this time is endless, when it is not.

This decade of my life will probably bring about more change than any other, and am I equipped to deal with that? I sure as hell hope so.

Why am I even writing this? I feel like I’m probably not the only one who’s dealing with these hard hitting emotions and I just want you to know you are totally not alone. I think, as the clock nearly strikes on my “champagne birthday” that I’m finally reaching the acceptance part of my 30’s emotional crisis, but let me tell you, it has not come easily.

On the good side, in a way, perhaps this crisis will be good for me. As I said, it’s already made me question things I should have already been doing, so now maybe I’ll stop being so paresseaux (fancy way of saying lazy) and finally start making progressive changes in my life. I can do it, right?

To my 20’s, I will miss you fondly and the fun times you’ve brought me, and I am basically giving you up kicking and screaming. To my 30’s, well, I hope you manage to exceed your former decade, no matter how hard that is to think about right now.

Wanderlust

For as long as I can remember, a travel bug has been firmly lodged deep within me.  Even as a little girl, I always loved geography and studying new places and new people.

Until I graduated university, and started making my own money, I never really had much of an opportunity to get very far from home. I made a few trips to Alberta (to visit family), had a school trip to Montreal, but air travel was limited and far between.

You could say, I’ve definitely been making up for lost time. Since 2009 I’ve been to Europe twice, Toronto/Montreal a few times each, and I’ve road tripped through about 20 USA states.  And that isn’t even the tip of the iceberg of what I want to see.

I think I get my “world lust” from my grandmother. I wish she’d had more opportunity to see the world when she was younger, but that wasn’t really an option in those years. She’s been spending a bit of her golden years on various seniors tours in Europe and she absolutely loves it.

So, what is the point of this post? I guess really just to try and figure out what’s next. Sometimes the day to day seems to dull and bland that I have an insane urge to jump on a plane and just go.  I mean, if not now then when? But do I really have the balls to do that?

I do know that I’ll never fully be able to stay in one place and be all “this is it, I never want to go anywhere again.” Thoughts of that actually make me a little sick to my stomach.

This world is big, it’s beautiful and it’s meant to be roamed.  What’s next for me, I’m not entirely sure yet. But what’s for sure, is there WILL be a next.

Biarritz 5

One of my favourite photos – taken in Biarritz, France in September 2011.